Category Archives: Musings

I’m Here – I Fear – Get Used To It

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Someone once told me not to let my anxiety define me. I just shook my head. Anxiety is as much a part of who I am as anything else. What should I let define me?

Should it be my blondeness that defines me? Or my height? Should I define myself in terms of favorite pastimes? Maybe I could define myself as a woman who loves chocolate. But you know, until seven or eight years ago, I couldn’t admit publicly to liking chocolate. I had (and have still) a great fear that I would be teased for a liking of chocolate. Because of the anxiety. Which defines me.

Yes, I am a woman who loves chocolate. I love my plants and my cats, so we can define me as a woman who loves plants and cats. I have big tits. I have gorgeous eyes. Define me thus as a large-breasted woman with gorgeous eyes. I make good spaghetti, and amazing chocolate pie. I am bright and funny. And I am terrified of you.

I am terrified of all of you, and that does define me as much as my eyes or my cats or the chocolate on my lips; it defines me every bit as well as the sharpness of my wit or the jangle of my laughter.

It’s not like some recent development; I’ve always been this way, as far back as I can remember. So… quit telling me that I shouldn’t accept it. I accept it. This is me. My anxiety and social phobia – my avoidant personality – is my personality. Telling me to refuse it space in my life is absurd.

I’m here. I fear. Get used to it.

Hello, World.

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So, I’ve been told I need to maintain a blog. A blog, of all things. I hate blogs. But I’ve been told I must have one, so here it is.

I’ve been dithering about this for months now. I had to look it up, first, to even know what the hell a blog was. Then I had to visit some, to get the idea. I came to the conclusion blogging is almost the exact opposite of what I would normally do with my time. Keeping a blog is in direct contrast to who I am.

I’ve got, at the very least, severe social anxiety. I exhibit all the symptoms of an avoidant personality, so publicly expressing my opinions is not something I do. Anyone who knows me (there’s not many of you) would be floored to see me doing this. I’m uncomfortable ordering food in a restaurant, for crying out loud, and you want me to express myself on the internet?

But they do say that it’s good to do new things, so here I am. With a blog.

Maybe one day, I’ll actually have something to say.